I could never have imagined what happened yesterday. shocked the hell outta me.

Anyways…Im very grateful for Ah lian & frances. I don’t know what else to say. Maybe sometimes I take things too jhard. I’m still learning how not too. Definitely making lotsa mistajkes along the way. I figured out that I’m really afraid of people walking out on me. Really.

Don’t mind the spelling errors…happens when you’re high on alcohol.

Hope it’s a better year for all of us. in some ways if not all.

It’s probably just a surface thing but makes me happy anyways. I don’t want to think about what it means down under. I don’t want to guess. I’m tired & I just want to be happy that it’s even happening at all. I have to try to stop hoping coz hoping only raises my disappointment level. And it hurts.

It’s been almost a decade since the last time he held my hand..It was nice walking side by side, hand in hand, enjoying the breeze. It was a much better movie than Sweeney Todd, that’s fer sure. My hand felt small in his & it made me feel safe & protected. I wish that he’d never let it go. I wish he’d never let me go.

How can loving someone be so painful? And so difficult? Last night was a difficult one. Unbearably painful. The words are still swimming in my head, can’t seem to shake them off. Is it real? Does he really mean them? What should I make out of it? What can I believe? When is it the truth? I don’t know…Is it supposed to tell me something?

How is it that you care for me but yet do things that hurt me?? Don’t you know that it HURTS?? Just when I thought I could erase the pain, this incident brings back the raw edges of what I’ve felt before & had tried so hard to get through.

The feelings are intense, they’re like little explosives going off inside. Can I still hold up? I don’t know, but I feel I’m crumbling. I’m back into the dark room with four plain walls, and just a chair in the centre of it all.

Will I still feel the touch of your hand on mine? And your breath on my face? Will I still feel your arms around me? Will you look at me the same way?

Are the simple things I yearn & wait for so difficult to give?

Today has been easy..visited ‘Sunken Gardens’ in the morning, thai food for lunch, next to ‘Lou’s…….’ and shopping at International Mall. Freakish thing is…I came with 1 pc of luggage, I’m coming back with more than that. Of course, not everything is mine. I bought quite a bit of stuff for people too. Hee hee…

We had dinner at an amazingly fantastic place called ‘Parkshore’. It’s western, semi fine dining restaurant. Everything was perfect. Straight from the drinks to the dessert PLUS service(oh, service was exceptional! Our waitress, Janet, did a great job.) We had crabcakes, cocktail shrimps, wonderful bread for starters. I shared a Grilled Petit Filet Mignon with Lobster with Aunt Jesse. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. The steak is definitely on par with Angus house. Everthing else, Parkshore wins hands down.

Tomorrow I’m teaching 3 housewives how to bake. On the list, we have creme brulee, cupcakes & whatever else they wanna do. *shrugs* So..it’s gonna be lunch, a trip to Publix(the HUGE supermarket) then home to bake, bake, BAKE!!!

Thursday is gonna be more shopping. But I have other plans. BIG plans. Have already made the appt so Aunt Jesse is gonna drop me off there, the ladies will go shopping and come pick me up later on when I’m done. Bwahahahahahahaha!!!! I didn’t think I’d really end up going through with it. Ha!! A little apprehensive though….*yikes*

It’s time for me to get a new mobile before it really falls apart. Kinda lookin at the N82-looks pretty, sounds pretty, seems pretty. Even the price! Geez….:( Will go take a look & get a little touchy feely with the set before I decide. tsk tsk tsk…sigh…more money out the window. Danggit.

Hmmm…I’ve made a coupla 2008 resolutions. I really wanna try to make it work this year. Has anyone else made any yet??

Days are gettin better-slightly. But the weather is COLD!!! Florida hasn’t been this cold since 1979!!! Just the other day, it was -1.11 deg Celsius!!! Now I understand what my cakes must feel like in the freezer! Man…..I’ve NEVER been this cold. Nice!!!

Went to Petsmart today, in the cloud-free, clear blue sky accompanied by freezing temperatures. Very nice, they had a super wide range of stuff. Needless to say, I bought quite a bit of things. Spent quite a bit of money….blah blah blah…and I bought a little something for Junior & Foxy too. To share though.. Sorry Frances, they only had 1 left.

Went to Moon under Water for dinner. They serve curry in different spicy levels-mild, medium, hot & beyond. I went for the hot & boy was it HOT!!!! Geeez!!!!! My heart was burning!!! But it was yummy. This restaurant has many pictures of Singapore in her past days. And heard that the owner is opening another restaurant called Tanglin. Ring any bells?? The owner must be a fan of Singapore!!

It really is lovely tonight…so many stars out tonight. Shining so brightly in the clear velvet sky. Beautiful.

Apart from that, I’m in a murderous mood. Want to poke someone’s eyes out. Angry at the situation but maybe slightly angrier at mum for always letting people step all over her head & most of all, doing things that other people feel she SHOULD do. Don’t get me wrong, I happen to love those people but sometimes…just sometimes…you gotta decide for yourself! Well, that’s the rash, impetuous me speaking. We all should know by now that this trait ain’t from my Mom. Definitely. According to her, that’s one trait that will increase the probability of finding my body in the trash or river floating somewhere. *shrug*

I’m still in Sunshine city & just finished celebrating new years eve…had tons of champagne, great dinner by aunt jesse-Salad, Red Wine Beef Stew, followed by Lemon Meringue tarts(done by me & aunt Jesse)!! Yummy!!!! I think I’d need to go weigh myself tomorrow. yikes…

Watched a little of the fireworks display…it was ok…

Today was an ok day…not too bad..a lil’ better, to be honest. A little problem with the new house, so teeny bit worried. Lookin at kitchen renovation designs & drooling over the laptop!!! Wonder how much it’ll cost….sigh…..

I MISS BAILEYS!!!!!!!
I’m still wondering if I’ll make it to the tattoo studio…..doesn’t have to be miami ink…read quite a few reviews online about it & apparently more bad ones than good. So……guess I won’t be popping into South Beach after all.

HAPPY NEW YEAR peeps!!! I hope it’ll be a fantastic fantastic year for all of us! (…..well, except the mean people) Bleargh!

I don’t know if it’s me but is it not ok to have some space of your own in someone’s house? Some privacy to do your own things at your own time? I thought that especially since THAT someone is family, they should be even more understanding? No???

I find that sometimes I don’t have the freedom of reading my book, surf the internet on MY laptop, sleep in, listen to my iPod..etc etc.. I’m being labelled as ‘anti-social’ WHY is that?? I need ME time!!! Is this a break for me or not??!! It’s worse that workin! I’m a prisoner here doing what people ask of me, want from me. I have to act the way they deem I should be acting. Basically, I have to BE someone else. I can’t go where I wanna go coz I don’t have a car/license & difficult to get around. I have to go according to people’s times/schedules etc. I do NOT like this whole thing/situation.

What’s wrong with me thinkin about people back in sg? What’s wrong with worrying about people I care about in sg? WHAT’S wrong with me having my own thoughts while in the car? I can’t be talking 24/7, I can’t be smiling all the time. I’m definitely NOT an entertainer, I hate to socialize & can’t do it for nuts. I have things to think about! The new house, my new plans, projects, ideas etc So many things to do and think about. I’m a brat, but unfortunately not a rich one who doesn’t have to lift a bloody finger to do anything. Money IS a problem and coz of that, sometimes time becomes a problem as well. Now, even using the phone & sms-ing has made me an ‘anti-socialite’. Once I start sms-ing, I get stared down.

Just coz you’re married to a rich, influential guy who loves you like hell doesn’t make you superior or any wiser. We all know that you’re happily married. We’re happy for you but don’t push it. Don’t force your opinions or whatever on people, on me. Your husband prolly lets you push him around-that’s just coz he really loves you-but I’m NOT a pushover(not saying he is but I’m not your husband). I’m a single individual. I don’t wanna sound ungrateful or anything, I really appreciate all you’ve done for me & am very grateful & happy but it doesn’t give you the rights to the reins of my life.

I didn’t mean for this to be such a long post but I need to do this. I can’t call anyone to talk. Unless I wanna get a heart attack when I see my singtel bill. Which…I’m a little fearful already.

Sometimes, some rich people turn me off. Just because you’re rich and have friends who are rich doesn’t make you a better person. Or a smarter person. OR a wiser person. At all. Pissing me off.. A little mini confrontation caused a mini rift yesterday morning on our way to Disney’s Animal Kingdom.

Anyhow, don’t wanna talk about yesterday.

This morning, was lazing in bed..refusing to get up. She was kinda pissed coz I wasn’t awake. Hah…so much for sleeping in. Bleargh. Apparently, only 1 thing got me jumping up. That call in the morning!! That was way better than striking lottery. Even waaay more impossible than striking lottery…Ha!! Made my whole damn day! Geez….am I dreaming??

It should’ve been a happy event for me, considering it was my birthday. But..half the time was spent talking down to me, treating me like a some f**king kid, ignoring me & being condescending. I really wanted to just walk out & jump on a flight to somewhere. I don’t wanna be here. Not right now.

Here are the better bits: Aunt Jesse bought me gingerbread latte & a cinnmon roll thingy from Starbucks. Gave me a giftcard for shopping. Had dinner with Ami & Jim, they gave me flowers & a present..:)-a got a talking card & a giftcard- followed by dessert at another place called Bern’s Steak House. They have a mean variety of desserts-I had the Chocolate Chip cookie souffle–VERY VERY nice…..comes with a shot glass of vanilla sauce & a mini jar of thick chocolate sauce. Sinful. Also in a LARGE variety there is wine. They have almost a million varieties in their wine cellar. How I got to know this? I went on a tour of the kitchen after dessert. Apparently they have this service for everyone who dines there. Not just me. Real neat service I must say!

Also, they have a LARGE selection of dessert spirits….YUMMY!!!! What else can I say? We had this dessert wine called the Ceretto Moscato d’Asti…Amazing amazing bottle of liquid…I have to get my hands on that.

Id better leave out the not so nice bits.

Apart from all this, Thank You everyone who’s sent me a birthday greeting. Thanks Sis for calling..you have no idea how much it meant. It’s these little things that reassure me you’ll always be here for me. And thanks mom for giving me the option of flying the hell outta here, wherever I want to go(even when the money could be put to more pressing issues right now). And thank YOU for remembering my birthday even when you’re drinking & I’m miles away…

It’s funny how I’ve always wanted to break away from the shelter of my parents but yearn for the same thing from somebody else. Ironic.

One of the things I wanna get soon is the Wii. That much said, I’m gonna try to save up for it.

Disappointingly, I didn’t make it to Miami. That’s the other thing I wanna save up for. Step foot into Miami Ink & get my back patterned.

That’s about it for now, I think. Sigh…just wait till tomorrow comes.

Flight to Tampa was horrid. Many Cheeeena people seated all around me. Screwed 1 of the ladies on flight. Idiot. One of my connecting flights was in Minneapolis. Man was it freezing cold there!!! It was snowing…nice…

It’s my 3rd night in St. Petes & been nice so far…eating & drinking alot. Scary…..

Christmas eve night was great. It was great to see Aunt Jesse & Joe after so long…missed them. Fantastic that Ami & Jim could join us too…they were great company. We had so much laffs, my cheeks were aching so bad! Opened the pressies in our christmas stockings first-carefully personalized by the couple-there were a few….each one of us took turns to open pressies & lotsa pics were taken, many clinking of champagne glasses after each pressie opened…imagine how much we drank!!

First thing Christmas morning, we opened presents & took photos, & had orange champagne!!! Followed by scrumptous brekkie & a morning walk.

Overall, as usual, aunt got lots of BLING BLINGS!!!!

I miss Baileys..hmm….wish she could be here with me. I’m sure she’d enjoy herself much more than me. I wonder how she is..hope she didn’t think I abandoned her.

Bought lotsa stuff today…scary…Im sure it’s not gonna fit into my luggage..oh dear…

Wonder if it’s expensive to send stuff back to sg from here….:P shall go check it out….I need it!!

Temperature here is about 18degC, colder at night. Especially when sitting in Joe’s ‘topless’ car….COLD!!!

Heard about some things happening in the shop  I’m very worried. Mum really busy with the house and all, and I feel bad that I’m here enjoying myself. Wish my vacation was shorter so I can go back quick to help settle some stuff.

Seems like Dec 07 has a whole chain of bad events…argh…and the bad feeling lingers around…