Heard some news at work that amused me…then heard a little more…thought about it a little more & it pissed me off no more than it disgusted me.  It’s DISGUSTING. It’s unfair. Bloody unfair. People acting as if they’re the boss is just…ugh… yuck. It just plain shows where their brain is kept, if ever they had one. You’re a Crap de Piece-o-Shit. So know your place & STAY THERE! Asshole! Coward. Only cowards do despicable thing behind people’s backs. You’re so clever, if you have the guts, come say it on front of me, shithead! Why do have to talk to others in blankets of whispers?? Such a pathetic slimeball. Eat crap, drink shit & die doing ‘em, all you STRAWS!!!! Useless bunch of idiots.

Ok, done with that. So….I’ve been busy with FHA.. I just realised yesterday that I’m a Team Asst! I thought I was only helping out with the 4 cakes & plated dessert! No one told me I was sucked into the whole thing till yesterday when I went to help out at the PPS Dinner @ Conrad. I can’t remember what PPS stands for but it’s Priviledged something something - for the frequent flyers of SQ, basically.  I hated this whole thing at the beginning but as I persevered from the encouragement from Frances & boss…I’m beginning to know that this is important to me & it’s something that I want to go through & do. I’ve got to know alot of people, though not personally but…at least I know who’s who by face - of sorts. I got to go to several hotel’s kitchens & work in some. Mostly conrad’s kitchen where I met Chee Leong’s gf - Virginia. Had quite a fun time! Even got to eat some stuff!!! Tee hee hee…. I read a very motivating & encouraging ‘motto’ be the Chef Patissier there - Steven Ong. I’ll post it soon if I can get it. Very motivating.

There are the downs with 1 right now…hmmm. Gotta tel frances bout it. It’s nothing short of the possibility of getting me a bad rep & into trouble. To me, I don’t see the integrity of a pastry chef in her. Seems to me more a maturing ‘ah lian’. Now that I’m blogging…here she comes with another problem for me. Sigh….what do I do?? I don’t want to be putting my job on the stake here just cos of FHA but I don’t wanna lost this chance either.

WOW. This past week had been hell! Went to work, went for practice @ Canele, sleeping at 2, 3am and getting to work early…damn tired. After the 2nd day of practice(Wed), I really abhored it. Dreaded it. Nothing felt worse than what I was feeling that day. Not even the WGS scholarship competition made me feel as bad. Wed(supposed to be off but went to work anyways), left work early to go collect my uniform & came back in a cab. Stopped outside the bak kut teh coffeeshop & voila! There he was sitting havin a drink! The day seemed brighter, the birds seemed to be singing in my head!! Went over & sat down to say hi & chatted a while. Sat in the sun and he motioned me to sit in the shade. So considerate! *wink* Anyway, was telling him about my competition & how much I hated it. Made me feel so yucky. Anyway, boss came back from cold storage carrying abit of stuff so I told him I had to go & catch up soon. Said bye & left. So HAPPY to bump into him!

Anyway, practice went alot better that night…Chef P is a perfectionist! Geez! I spent quite a bit of time just to get the right shade for the strawberry tuiles(for the plated dessert)!! Furrene & Denise were busy doing the petit fours..wah…their chocolate work is amazing!! Thin, shiny, crisp & oh so pretty! Furrene even let me help her trace out the pattern on the chocolate!! Cool!!!

Today Huddath kept telling me how cute M was & I admitted that he really caught my eye. Eye candy!! Hmmm…..I’ve talked to almost everyone there except for him..anyways….brushed off those thoughts.

After everything, Furrene, Huddath, Edmund & me sat down to chat while watching Chef P assemble his chocolate showpiece…after which I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore, said bye & left.

The next day(Thursday) was the 1st run of the rehearsal. We had to be there at 12 to start assembling everything. All the chefs were there at 3pm. I got to use isomalt!!!! So exciting!!! I wanna play too! I got to meet so many chefs & see so many things!!! It was the most eye-opening day of all the 3 sucky ones.

Went back to the shop & told Frances & Chee Leong about everything… Hmmmm…I have to start learning how to temper chocolate well & play with isomalt!

Friday evening, Frances  I went to Canele for ’snacks’. Said hi to everyone there & ordered a cake-Classique, with a quenelle of cream at the side. The cake was served warm. Niccee…Denise came out to talk to me, chatted abit & recommended me the Honey Lemongrass drink. Yummy!! Very refreshing & the lemongrass not too overbearing. Seemed they were having a demo inside. Halfway through eating, Denise came out with a plate of dessert for us!! So sweet….I wanted to show Frances who M was but he wasn’t around so… plus we wanted to try their ice-cream but it only starts at 7pm!! Humph…..Then….Joseph same out with passionfruit marshmallow for me…aww….so hospitable….. Furrene came out to talk to Frances.. Then Chef P came to talk to us..so wierd!

Sigh…so many things have happened at work. Eventful? Yeah, in a way I guess. Kinda exciting to hear about all the BULLLSHIT! There’s a new term in town - STRAWS. Ha…My dear Frances came up with it. Apparently a little too mild for my boss. Hee.

Anyway…..CONGRATS BOSS!!!!! About *ahem* that! You know what….

Anyways, Frances, Patrick & I went rollerblading on Saturday!!! Poor Patrick fell down thrice…But improving fast! We had loads of fun!!! My boss was at home preparing our mini BBQ! Looks like nothing much but DAMN POWDERFUL man!!!We had chcken wings, grilled fish, squid, oysters, prawns & toasted marshmallows!!!!  We had really yummy delicious food! Plus Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby with sliced bananas!!!!! It was a feast! Thanks Patrick & boss for having us over!! It definitely can’t get any better than that!!

Such a tiring week…..don’t even have the strength to reply to some messages…eyes can’t keep open at all! Been procrastinating at typing this blog for a few days…finally came down to doing it today.

Saturday 18th Feb–

Never before have I had an interview like that…but I wasn’t as freaked out as my competition day. Pretty tough, I’d say. The first candidate went in & came out within like 10 or 15 minutes..I was the 3rd victim on the hit list..I went in & survived the ticking of time… My interview seemed to last forever & the judges(there were 3 of them) seemed to have endless questions!

Questionzzzz…..Where do you see yourself in 5 years? If given an opportunity to work in an hotel, would you? What do you think it’s like working in a hotel, challenging? Pressurizing? Tough? If you could travel to other countries for a peek into their pastry scene, which country or countries would you visit & why? Where do you think has the best chocolate cake? What’s your bestseller & why? Which direction do you think the local pastry scene is heading: eg. asian, western etc? Locally, there is a high media coverage on the culinary scene but quiet on the pastry side. How would you improve this? Do you think Singaporeans are picky/fussy? Do they know what they want? How many years before you would want to set up your own place/shop?

No time to think…Don’t even know what came out of my mouth! Yikes…I think I blew it.. Frances…I f**ked it up…:P I did!! This is bad for the survival of brain cells! Geez…

Sunday 19th Feb–

Not too long a work day today..but we had an easier time breathing. The morning was ok..noon onwards, things got gloomier - for me. I found it difficult to concentrate, feeling the weight of the stress. Felt as if my hair-each strand-weighed tons, dragging me down under.

               ~ this is the time, you either make it or break it~

Of course I want to make it, of course I want to be able to make it. But it feels otherwise. I certainly don’t feel like I have the ability or capability to make it. I know I have the wrong mindset. Haven’t even started & I already think of failing.  I’m so pathetic, I don’t even think I have the guts to even try to make it right now.

Nowadays..I think people don’t care much about other people’s feelings. Doesn’t matter who the other person is-regardless of rank, position, relations, family etc Just because you’re in a bad mood doesn’t give you the right to blah it out at anybody. More especially if you’re close! Come on ass-man, learn to respect others! Don’t tell me about the word R.E.S.P.E.C.T. if you don’t know the meaning! ESPECIALLY your SUPERIORS, damn it! There’s only so much a person can take. Absolute shit hole. What am I? A rag doll? A toy to all you people?

FYI - the meaning of RESPECT:   a) to feel or show honor or esteem for; hold in high regard, b) to consider or treat with deference or dutiful regard

FYI again - the meaning of ASSHOLE: a) A thoroughly contemptible, detestable person, b) insulting terms of address for people who are stupid or irritating or ridiculous

There! A free english lesson!

Anyways…the afternoon was a pleasant one. Frances(<–the EXPERT!!), Boss, Patrick & I went rollerblading at their void deck! Cool! Now that they have learnt how to blade, we’re going on a regular basis at east coast!!! Woo Hooooo!!!!!

Don’t know what P.O.S. means? I’ll tell ya…P=Piece, O=Of, S=SHIT!!

There’s one hangin around the ‘neighborhood’ again. Exasperating… nowadays the very sight of him makes me sick. Wish I could go over & WACK him on the head till he passes out! Many other things I wanna do but uh…not very appropriate for this public blog….

Anyway, I had a very nice evening today..went to watch Brokeback Mountain with dear Frances! A very good show..touching & quite an emotional ride. Was expecting the intimate scenes to be censored but surprisingly they weren’t! Or at least not all. A movie worth watching…for sure. For once, not a predictable sappy fairytale ending. A round of applause for Ang Lee!! *clap clap clap*

Now back to a serious topic: I’m having my interview tomorrow!! I hope I don’t get stumped by their questions…freak out! Hmmmm….would honesty count? Or just do my best to give answers that I think they’d want to hear? Suck up to them just so I can have a higher chance to go to France for 2 weeks? Not something I’d do…

I know what my goal is….but now that I’m doing this, how do I do that? At the same time? Can I get it over & done with by end April & hopefully do the things that I’m contented & happy with?

ARGH!!!

Geez…I think I’m sufferin from memory loss… Can’t seem to remember a lot of stuff….things I’ve felt before, things I’ve said or done. Even if at a few points I’ve been extremely angry at some people…I can’t remember anymore!

But I still DO remember quite abit some stuff….*hush hush*

Bought a pair of pretty, pretty heels from Aldo… - will post a pic of it later - after a whole day of walkin in it….OUCH!!! Blisters EVERYWHERE!!! 8 blisters in total! Go figure. Moral of the story: High heels are not meant for walkin & shopping. They are meant to be worn ONLY when chauffeured around!!! Take note ladies!!!

Translation from a cantonese phrase: Want to be pretty, don’t want life! Ha!

Tata, people…

I have been sick for…well seems forever! I was recovering though still coughing my lungs out but today….I’m down with everything again!!! But I had a nice surprise call last night & a VERY VERY pleasant - well, more than pleasant - lunch with someone this afternoon. That alone does wonders.. Isn’t it amazing what a call & a simple lunch can do to make you smile the whole day? Even the yuckiest thing can be beautiful.

I’m in a dilemma. I don’t know if i’m an ambitious person or a contented one. I’m torn. Ambition = lots of pressure & stress amongst other stuff. Contentment = that just says it all, doesn’t it? Maybe I don’t know myself well enough? Or maybe I know myself just too well but I’m just afraid to voice out what & how I feel?

I’m gonna try to catch the news tonight! The Patissier is on! If I can stand the brightness of the TV, that is… Here’s a pic of The Patissier’s Valentine’s Day cake for this year - Sweetheart.

  Is this nice or what?

‘Waiting is painful, Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.’ - Paulo Coelho

I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I’d rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought he could replace you
we got along just fine
we wasted time because he was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
so I’m here cause I found this one thing is true
that I’m nothing without you
I know better now
and I’ve had a change of heart

I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I’d rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can’t blame you if you turn away from me, like I’ve done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

- Luther Vandross

I finally gave myself a chance to accept someone new in my life. Got his no & went out for drinks tonight but no conversation, no chemistry no nothing at all.  he was just purely uninterested. Must’ve been me. My problem. Every other gal was hotter than me. So what did I do? Drink. AGain. I had 4 sex on the beaches, 2 apple sours, 2 bubblegums, 2 blowjobs, a few sips of the hennesey green tea & 1 long island tea. Kinda nice to be tipsy & unable to concentrate. I needed that.

I badly needed to talk. messaged everyone I could think of but no reply. I , messaged him & him & NO reply. How fantastic is that??!!  That just says what a loser I am.  Just as good as dead. What is the point of living, again? Tell me. TELL ME!!! I don’t see a reason or need for my existence. AT ALL!  I cannot imagine how stupid I feel for doing the things I did.  Never again will I do anything for anyone. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.

What am I? A TOY??? An item for your convenient manipulation? Sorry, but one fine day, I’m just gonna be a corpse in a grave. With or without a tombstone. I’ve never felt any dumber or useless as of now.