It’s raining….again. Even tears run dry…why don’t the rain? It’s just as well I’m staying at ms tonight anyway..suits me fine, goes with my mood. Finally made it to my hairdresser’s today..wanted a trim…came out a cut instead. Got a lil’ annoyed actually but oh well…already cut. No point saying anything more. I got a small lil’ piece of info from her today about ***. It may or may not mean anything to *** but I wish I could be there for ***. I sent a message to which of course went to the void-no reply. What was I expecting anyway? Already in a blue mood lately & this mini incident ain’t helpin’ at all. It just got darker.

My off day today was supposed to be packed with a visit to the hairdresser’s, followed by a lil’ shopping & 2 movies back to back thereafter but I quit after my first appt. I bought a subbie & went back to the shop. Talked to Frances-always nice talking to her cause I know she’d listen & most of the time she’d have a different perspective. Many people don’t listen to me anymore so I just quit talkin. Did a few no-no things. Things I’d do when I’m down.

I realise that generally as people grow older, they tend to go about their own lives, doing their own things - that’s how even best friends grow apart. No matter how much they say they’d stick by you & they’ll always be there for you. Not that there’s anything wrong with that but it always just end up like that, doesn’t it? Then your circle of friends gets smaller, eventually it shrinks & dwindles down until it’s just you. Maybe I’m the one not making enough effort to stay in touch. Maybe it’s just karma saying ‘See? You haven’t been treasuring your friends enough, so now, they’re all leaving you. And thus, it’s just you. Too bad, you asked for it. You should have spent more time with them when they were still around.’

Sometimes, it’s so scary to be alone. I know that I can’t expect anyone to always be there for me. So maybe I should just live with being alone, and try to get used to being by myself instead of depending on others to have time for me. It’s times like this when I start to question the importance of friends, friendship, love, romance blah blah blah.

What IS the point here, exactly?

It’s a nice day today…got off work early, took a 1 hour nap before meeting Aunt Jesse up for dinner together with Joe. Guess where we went??!!!! Anticipation…..!!!! - MORTON’S!!! Met up with Joe & his buddy, Phil at the Morton’s Bar..had drinks & chatted & laughed a whole lot! There were both really humourous fellas. There was a waiter there called Eddy. Funny Malay guy.. very good service.

There we proceeded to the restaurant where we had a long explanation on the different cuts of beef & what sauces there were served with. Plus, a long lesson on what appetizers & salads & everything else they had..Eddy knew his menu well by heart & rambled on without pauses, commas, nor fullstops. Kinda lika train @ full speed. We got a hold of the menu later on  got a shock @ the prices of the steaks!!! My goodness!!! Almost a hundred bucks for a steak!! Geez…how can anyone afford to go there?? In the end I settled for a fillet mignon with bernaise sauce - medium rare. SUPERBB!!! Shared it with Phil. Thank goodness, wouldn’t have been able to finish it on my own especially after all the drinks! We had lobster bisque & sides too - bacon with scallop, salad, mashed potato with sour cream & bacon bits, mushroom with spinach!!!! Everything was fantastically delicious!!! We had red wine & champagne too….plus plenty of bailey’s!! Boy am I stuffed!!!Oh, and how could I forget the finale??!! Lucky thing we only ordered the Lemon Souffle & the Godiva Warm Chocolate Cake. The Lemon Souffle was HUGE!!! Although not very sour & very lemony, the texture was so good! I’ve never had such a yummy Lemon Souffle!!! And…it doesn’t collapse!The Godiva Chocolate Cake was yummy too, but it seemed more like the spotlights were on the souffle instead of the highly recommended & widely talked about Godiva cake. *drooooolllll*……….

I am SUCH a glutton, aren’t I?? It was such a nice experience dining @ Morton’s. Thanks Aunt Jesse!!! Thanks Joe!!!And thanks Phil for the wonderful company! I really enjoyed myself alot tonight. So much laughing my jaw is aching…Ciao!

The competition(14th Jan, Sat) is finally OVER!!! I can’t be any gladder. It’s my 1st & seemed a real toughie. It was a good experience for sure but to honest, it was a nerve wrecker. The people there seemed so unfriendly at the start but once it all began…they were very very helpful. Made some friends there: Belinda & Nathanael. There are both students at the Academy studying tourism & Hospitality, helping out at the competition. Belinda was very sweet…she helped distract me & calm me down through the whole process. We chatted about normal stuff & got my mind off the stress & nervousness a lil’.

I stiffened up when Chef Amy came to check my mise en place..felt as if I had smuggled something in & felt so afraid she’d find something that shouldnt’ have been there. But all went well & after her checking, I could start.

There were a million & 1 things I had to keep in check. So many things I had to be conscious of. Killed so many of my brain cells(if there were much in the 1st place!) Some of the many things that Frances told me to do:

1. Always smile

2. Smile & greet the judges & chefs who come to your table.

3. Make sure your cloth is clean & folded in a neat square.

4. Don’t leave anything in the sink. Try to wash dirty stuff immediately.

5. Washed stuff should be dried immediately after.

6. Make sure your table is always neat & tidy.

7. If melting chocolate over the bain marie, make sure it is being stirred occasionally.

8. Try NOT to burn anything!!

9. Don’t panic even if something goes wrong or fails..most importantly, DON’T curse & swear at it!! (something we do prett-ty often at work!! Ha!)

10. I can’t remember anymore right now…

So…as you can imagine..I was smiling like an idiot the whole duration of the competition! Tiring!!

Halfway through plating my soursop dessert, the photographer came & kept snapping away at it!!! And I haven’t even finished!!! Hopefully it was a good thing…& in the midst of that….(which was making me anxious coz they were rushing it out..)a few chefs came & hung around my table!! MAJOR FREAK OUT!!! The chef from Michaelangelos, Kenny Kong, Chef Joyce, I don’t know the rest… I’m clueless! Why in the world did they have to hang around MY table??? There ain’t any gold, fellas!! And last of all…had to saute the semi raw soursop with julienned basil & ground black pepper ala minute. And there they were again!!! Man….

I was more than half an hour slower than when I practised at the shop. Almost had a panic attack. Half an hour left & haven’t even cut my raspberry jelly, pailette feuilettine(royaltine) etc etc…. ARGH!!! & the damn oven was taking longer than usual to bake my caramel tuiles!! AND….when they did come out & I had to roll them into cones…guess what? There was Chef Amy…intent on seeing me through the process of rolling the ouchie hot tuiles…but at that moment…they didn’t seem as hot as in they were in the shop…wierd…& then time seemed to slow down coz I was able to catch up & finish my stuff on time!

I was so nervous that I couldn’t pipe my chocolate mousse properly…my hands were shaking so much!!! Goodness, what an embarassment… All ended well..I guess..but I found out that the desserts that the others made didn’t set so well, plus they didn’t bring any blowtorches - how to unmold the cakes??!!! So, mine went around, even to the culinary side. I was well-packed, thanks to Frances!!! Thank you darling chef!!!

Right after I finished plating, we had to wait till service time(1pm)-that’s when the guests were being served the appetizers, mains & finally, desserts. So we had to play be ear & serve as & when needed. I cleaned up, washed up, scrubbed the table & got ready to plate the last 4 portions of dessert. I was finally, finally at the end of it. My stomach growled right then…real good timing although no crab to eat! Belinda came along & was holding a sandwich - said she stunned it from the fridge & offered me some. So sweet….

I cannot express how relieved I was then… at that time, I turned around & I saw Frances, boss & Jasmine!!! I was really immensely happy to see them!

Here, I really wanna express my utmost gratitude to my dearest boss & Frances. Wouldn’t have made it without their help & support. Sounds cliche but it’s from the ‘heart of my bottom’(bottom of my heart!)- as someone would have said it.

Today is the 16th of Jan…just as soon as I said I would never ever torture myself with that kind of stress & such…guess what stupid thing I did? I joined something - will let you all know what the something is much later when more settled! And so…will have more intense stress & pressure coming straight up. Haven’t even started but I can already feel my heart pumping as fast as when my competition was drawing near!

There are many considerations & worries & fears. It was said that having no experience & knowledge was not a problem as long as I’m fully commited. I guess the biggest obstacle is none other than MYSELF. I guess you’re right, I have to battle my inner fears & concerns. This is a BIG or rather HUGE step for me & I’m afraid. Afraid to step out of the boundary which I’m so comfortable in. Now I’m stepping out of my comfort zone & that terrifies me.

In the recent weeks, there seems to be something thats driving me toward the things that I wish- but only dare to dream about - doing. Feels like a huge current sweeping me away & with no ability at all to resist or stop. So what to do? Best bet & maybe the smartest thing to do is: Go with the flow & not resist the current(change).  Based on the same rules as diving! Resist the current & it’ll tire you, causing you over-exhaustion. Bad choice. We’ll see how it goes…

Boss, Patrick & Frances: Let’s go play with with our new 4-wheeled toys!!!! :)Been waiting too long & getting impatient already!!!

Scooting now!

Been a long time since my last post. Too busy..reason or excuse? Take it whichever way you want. I really can’t be bothered. Anyway, I’m relieved most BIGGIE things are over eg. Bossie’s wedding, her absence while on honeymoon, Christmas…etc. However….STILL busy. I’m getting sick of this 4-letter(albeit HUGE) word. Such a small word but takin up such a magnificently HUGE fraction of my life. I can’t think of another word to replace it, just like I never could find or didn’t have to find another activity to replace work. There wasn’t a need to. Work was so fulfilling. Notice ‘was’. Ever since the many small & big incidents happening & jumping up at work, I feel so…..empty? Plainly….just sick of work. I know that it’s a very bad attitude to have & I’d better snap outta it quick otherwise I’m just gonna be stuck. There’s no point. Relationships take 2 hands to clap but a business takes a team & willingness to work together, to put in the hardwork, time & effort to work. It’s definitely NOT a 1 man’s show. I need a break. I’m tired. Physically & mentally. Need a long break.  I need time to do things for myself- routine or entertainment. Everything. There are pros & cons to having the bumps at work. Certain people get closer, both work-wise & personally(which I’m very happy about!) but, unfortunately, some people drift apart & some just stay the same.

Family’s grumbling about the same old stuff about me again…work-wise. Something I can’t do anything about…just have to let ‘nature’ take its course. Recent new discoveries about my family(part)….I seem to have been looking at the picture the rosy way all this time but have finally seen the ugly side of it. Sad, really. What is becoming of the people I love? Or is it, me? again??

My pleasure to have finally met Joe, my aunt’s bf. A humourous person I must admit & who sure knows how to enjoy life! As everyone should be…if only we had the dough to…!!!! I’ve been eating non-stop since christmas eve..God I feel so fat! But Joe gave me a chance to drink at Post Bar, Fullerton hotel, then seafood at 1 Fullerton…followed by yummilicious dessert & company(Italian??) of the bosses of Senso at Senso restaurant at Club street. OH!!!! And the dessert wine…..with the desserts…eat & drink anymore, you could get an orgasm!!! Sorry for the explicit content, peeps!! HEY, before any of you think anything else, the cakes at The Patissier are STILL FANTABULOUS! Get my point?? So….THANK YOU JOE for the wonderful enjoyable night & thanks Aunt Jesse for buying me that nice pink club-able top you bought me a-la-minute!

Over with that….Been in low/black moods so much so that I’ve turned to shop-o-therapy & reading. Reading! Can you believe it??!! Must be my reading season returning. Paulo Coelho is good…..can get a wee bit slow at times but good nevertheless. Most stuff based on true events & feelings… Giving me some new insight in some things. As if everything isn’t bad enough…my mobile decided to ‘poop’ on me that day & mood got even blacker! So…walked into the Apple Centre & got meself an iPod docker & speakers!!!! $249 only….lifted my moods a lil’….haven’t spent that much on myself for the longest time! I feel so proud! Bleargh…hahaha. My Mum reads this, or notices my new toy & I’m dead. D-E-A-D. Oh well… it’s cheaper than going to a psychiatrist, right??? So I’m saving moneeey!!

‘What the eyes don’t see, the heart don’t grieve over’

Truth? Or Nay?

‘The further off they are, the closer to the heart are all those feelings that we try to repress & forget. If we’re far from the person we love, everyone we pass in the street reminds us of them.’ - Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes.

If there are some feelings(not sure what) about someone should it be verbally said & made known? Or just let it pass to prevent any awkward situations????

Honestly, human relations can get so complicated. So much complexity involved. Humans are really wierd & troublesome!!! Bummer…

Ok, I’m hungry & tired of blogging. Till the next one..

P.S. Thank you Frances, Boss, Patrick & Sis. Love you all. I hope 2006 will be a much better year for all of us.