For a long time, I haven’t been able to focus at work-due to a multitude of reasons. Ones that I do not wish to go into again. With that over and done, this is a new start for me. I don’t dare to promise anything right now, but I am giving it a good shot. May not be a good start for some, but I’m adjusting pretty well to this pace for now. It’s pretty gratifying to know that I don’t have a sense of ‘rejection’ when it comes to getting back on track. It’s obviously also good to know that somehow, the people who care about me believe in me. It makes a lot of difference-although it can be a good and a bad thing. I can’t seem to wipe out self-doubt tho’. Perhaps I shouldn’t-in a way, it keeps me wanting to improve myself.

Alot more to write, but for now, time to run to k7’s for an idea-provoking session, plus, good ol’ vegetarian indian food. And in THIS wet weather, it’s NOTHING short of comfort food.

Been pretty dark lately. Seems the shadows are following me wherever I go.

What can I really trust? They’re all lies. Is it just my perception, or am I mistaken? My mind seems clouded by apprehension.  Can I take a pill to clear it?

Everything seems to have turned to dust. Is it all gone or was it never ever there in the first place?

I received a call from the states at about 2am this morning. Very bad news, was silent from disbelief. 2 persons got shot and died-just 2 days ago. And I know the shooter and 1 of the victims. This incident has been in my mind ever since I heard about it. I’m SO, so sad for all 3 of them.

It’s a very shocking piece of news for many of us. I can’t get it out of my head. I keep thinking about the hows & the whys. So many questions.

This December is a month tainted with so much tears. December 2008.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this bad at work before.  I just realised that I’m a disappointment when I don’t do OT. And I hate it when people think they know me so well. You don’t know nuts about me so stop acting like you know me inside out. It makes me sick. And don’t tell me you understand. How can you understand the ups and downs of normal people when you’ve prolly never had a single setback in your diamond studded life? You don’t know shit.

Well enough of that rambling. Here’s the good part: I had an enjoyable Tuesday afternoon. had a 2.5 to 3 hour baking session with her at home. And before that, I went a little crazy and baked Chocolate chip cookies, Almond tuiles and tried a new recipe - Parmesan choux puffs. Quite yummy I must say. Although it turned out a little soft, think I may need to tweak the recipe a lil’ when I’m free and in the mood to do so. Anyways, we made a chocolate fudge cake with an Orange & Lemon jelly sprinkled with frozen raspberries and blueberries. It’s quite a sinful cake. Lucky for the jelly which tones it down a notch. We made almond sponge fingers too.  Nice.

Before the baking session, I was pretty nervous-kept visiting the loo. But it turned out that it was easy and very comfortable talking to her. Even easier than talking to some of my aunties.  After a few weeks of little interaction with people, I welcomed the open conversation I had with her yesterday & I really enjoyed it. Very much. I just hope it wasn’t disappointing and the cake was yummy.

I realise now that I’m happier baking at home. MUCH happier. At work I feel like there’s an invisible hand that keeps prodding my back, urging me to do things and watchful eyes on my back every second. I hate it-not that I feel pressured-just that it makes me feel like a bloody trainee! I mean, HELLO!!!! My brain faculties are STILL functioning! Dont treat me like a bumbling idiot! It’s not my first week in the kitchen for goodness sake!

Screw that. The main focal point should be that I enjoyed my tuesday. Thank you, thank you.

You touch these tired eyes of mine
And map my face out line by line
And somehow growing old feels fine
I listen close for I’m not smart
You wrap you thoughts in works of art
And they’re hanging on the walls of my heart

I may not have the softest touch
I may not say the words as such
And though I may not look like much
I’m yours
And though my edges may be rough
And never feel I’m quite enough
It may not seem like very much
But I’m yours

This is a really nice song by The Script.

Disclaimer: Not a good song if you’re feeling emotional. May cause floods.

It seems like a time for change and a new beginning. I’m taking on the challenge of changing the most difficult of all - my temper and bad mood swings.  There are times when I go crazy, I can’t change with the snap of my fingers- But I’m trying. I’m trying to be a more cheerful person. There are times when I’m really horrible and unreasonable-I know- That’s when I need you  to come in and tell me that I’ve stepped over the line.  There are also bad days when I break down but it would be nice if I could have your understanding and tell me it’s ok.

I make many mistakes, and bad decisions. I’m probably 1example of a helluva bad person. But I learn, I make amends and I need you to tell me :’Hey, it’s ok, I forgive you.’

I’m sure some of you will think : You? Change? Yeah right. whatever, you’re just saying.

Give me a chance, let me in, let me in…

A few quotes by Paulo Coelho to end this post with:

“The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love.”

“One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving.”

“The power of storytelling is exactly this: to bridge the gaps where everything else has crumbled.”

“When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.”

“When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

” … I simply accept that technology is stronger and more powerful than me: it works when it wants to, and when it doesn’t its best to go for a walk, and just wait until the cables and telephone links are in a better mood and the computer decides to work again. I am not, I have discovered, my computers master: it has a life of its own.”

“Every human being should keep alive within them the sacred flame of madness, but should behave as a normal person.”

I totally went berserk in the kitchen today… It’s been gradually building up. I do the things that I know how my boss wants things to be done in the kitchen. It’s hers, anyways. So why shouldn’t it?? Yeah, I may sound like some bloody bootlicker but, say what you want, think what you like. I can’t help it. I try to pass on her ways and preferences but it doesn’t seem to catch on. Am I not trying hard enough or is it that people just have difficulty getting it? I’m through and over with being the bitch—fussing, nagging, complainin’—here. I need a break. I know that people don’t like it when I’m obnoxious especially when I’m JUST a lowly Cook 1. ‘hell, who the f**k does she think she is, being so bossy?! She’s not the boss, just the boss’s pet!’  Yeah, yeah, yeah….I can just hear it being said out loud. But hey, at least I’m direct, I shout it out loud and get things off my chest, instead of boiling quietly and stabbing people in the back, isn’t that worse?

Work is work. Period. I want to get things done(quickly preferably), and done, right. What it the point of doing things twice and wasting time?! I can accept mistakes if they are put to good use but making the same mistakes over and over and over again….no. No….nooo….NO!

Maybe sometimes I care & I bother too much. Maybe it’s just time for me to mind my own business and do my own things. Maybe I care too much about people who don’t give a fuck about me. It’s disappointing. Would it be better for you all if I just left you alone?

I don’t know…..someone enlighten me? I’m open to suggestions/discussions etc.

P.S. Thanks for cheering me up when I came home today. Meant alot.

I’m worried. Vexed. Thinkin about what’s gonna happen tommorrow. Don’t have a good feeling bout it. PLUS, I feel stupid. Can’t seem to help. Can’t do what some others can naturally. I AM stupid. Better not talk to stupid people like me. What’s worse? I’m mean. Bad person.  Bad + mean + stupid = ???? You do the math.

How long have I been in this storm
So overwhelmed by the ocean’s shapeless form
Water’s getting harder to tread
With these waves crashing over my head

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown
So why am I ten feet under and upside down
Barely surviving has become my purpose
Cause I’m so used to living underneath the surface

I have to try to stop taking people/things for granted too. I’m also guilty of the crime. Things that have happened lately has made me feel that life is so fragile, so weak. Here this very moment, gone the next. I try my best, sometimes…. I appreciate the things people do for me, especially the small ones. They tend to be overlooked.. Folding the ‘blankie’ may be a small thing, but it never failed to make me smile.

Work-wise, I’m very grateful to have ah lian around on my table. She is of such great help. She’s great company & it’s always so quiet when she’s off. She really makes a difference. I miss having Geby on our table..and feeza…never fails to crack me up. I love these 3 little devils. Makes work not seem like work sometimes.

I’m on the bus now, and it’s cold and wet. Windows are frosted n air-con seems to be on full blast. Brrr…..

Staring out the window, I’m thinkin…’hmmm….how nice if a kacham puteh man comes up n starts selling hot, steaming chickpeas…wah….yummy!’ AND…d sudden blaring of horns bring me back to the present. Damn. Anti-climax…im hungry… N bored..(obviously!)